moved to Nevada when Beth got a curatorial job at a top secret military installation in the desert outside of Groom Lake. As jobs were pretty scarce in this desolate part of the country, Steve was forced to work for Big Roy's Reptile Farm and Pharmacy, where he "milked" venomous snakes to make life-saving antivenins. Unfortunately, Steve didn't have very steady hands, so much of the antivenin had to be used on him. On the bright side, he still holds the world record for the most Copper-head bites without suffering permanent paralysis. Meanwhile, although Beth was enjoying her time in Area 50 of the base, she decided to apply for a transfer when they wouldn't consider her for a promotion to the next higher Area on base.

The couple ultimately relocated to Oakwood when Steve was asked to head up Wright Patt's Herpetological Zero Gravity Training Program, which involved teaching snakes to perform complex scientific maneuvers aboard the International Space Station. Eventually, the program came to be known as Snakes in Space, and their inspirational and heart-warming story spawned a major motion picture starring Samuel L. Jackson.

Beth took a job with the Dayton Dragons as their chief concessions scout. She travels around the minor leagues in search of the next big break-out star from the world of ballpark cuisine. She was highly instrumental in signing the Walking Taco to a long- term contract at 5/3 Field and is actively working to ink a deal with Krispy Kreme to bring the Double Donut Bacon Burger to Dayton. Local cardiologists follow her career with great interest.

As for Steve, after a long and storied career in Herpetology, he has recently decided to work with a different kind of snake and has thrown his hat into the political arena. After an unsuccessful run for the politically charged and often blatantly partisan position of County Coroner, he decided that his skills are probably better utilized on the national stage. He is currently being considered for an Under Secretary position within the Department of One-upmanship in the Trump administration.

Beth and Steve live quietly on their sprawling Oakwood estate, with their dogs, Buzz and Chloe, and their miniature unicorn, Pokey. They enjoy traveling the world while claiming to be Mr. and Mrs. Fodor, eating amateurly-prepared Puffer Fish, and collecting "Murder, She Wrote" memorabilia.

This article is alternative-factual and any resemblance to actual persons, either living or dead, is strictly bad luck for those poor schmucks. Any rebroadcast, retransmission or account of this article, without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball, is strictly prohibited.

If you've made it this far, congratulations on being one of the 7% of Americans who actually have the attention span to read an entire magazine article from start to finish. And, Happy April Fool's Day!"